Sunday, October 15, 2006

Looking Back

My very first post in blogspot was a stupid scribbling of my life. Now when I'm reading the first post, I do feel like a dumb girl. It was about how much I wanna be a medical doctor despite doing MSc in Clinical Nutrition. You can read it HERE and the post was continued HERE.

Its not that I wanna write Part 3 of the same thing but its just something aching inside for a long time. Previously I do write about how I'm losing the steering of my life. It was going haywire and even now, I'm trying hard (maybe too hard) to make it right. Thinking of the past 3 years which was not very good, I can't help but to praise the survivor instinct in me. No bragging but I think I deserve the title survivor. I lived a safe life inside a cocoon called varsity. Until I enrolled in my master programme, which taught me countless survival skills. The first year was kinda okie, but The last 2 years were the lowest point in my life so far. Emotionally I was finished. Physically I was frail. Mentally I was exhausted. I nearly gave up my studies. Seriously. If not for a friend, Sivakumar whom I met for a brief time, I would have gone long time ago. I still believe he was send by God to stop me from taking stupid and drastic decision - that was to quit. After I began to concentrate in my studies, he just varnished and I don't know where he is right now.

The direction of my life changed. and I know its changed forever. I am not the same anymore. I used to be a timid but jovial type of person. But that's not true anymore. I developed this hostility inside me which doesn't want to go away. I hate strangers. I hate people who I barely know. Its not exactly 'hate', its more like..scared of them. and I also developed some kinda anger in me. I got agitated even for small little things. I lost interest in everything I used to do. I lost my individuality.

I used to blame some people for all this. but not anymore. If they are reading this, I just want them to know that I hold no grudges towards anyone. I am not letting go of the memories but at the same time, I don't want to hold on someone else's life anymore. Its pain not only for them, but for also for me. I always say the day you realize what I feel, I won't be around anymore. I used to tell it without realizing the fact that the day will arrive soon. But as everyone says.. we plan but He decides. I can only plan for a change but He has the final say.

Between, I am taking break for Deepavali. Will be back blogging after a week or so. My warm Deepavali wishes to all.

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Anonymous said... happens! :P

we revive with time!

n yes..Happy Diwali!

southpaw said...

Happy deepawali in advance am000nie...:)

Anonymous said...

Happy Diwali in advance... have a nice break, and come back well rested :)

Known Stranger said...

hmm i find so foolish when i see my first photo in which i tried to walk. so what.. today i think i walk better

hmm marriage - in fact i dont know .. just bugged on that issue

Nirek said...

i read those 2 posts. I am also sailing in similar situation now...really confusing at times to think 'what life is in store for me?'

And happy diwali for you! hv fun!

Eclipsed Thoughts said...

Happy Hoppy Deepavali... Enjoy the fest. and revive... Hugggzzz

Keshi said...

**But as everyone says.. we plan but He decides.

Thats all I can say too Amu. We plan but He decides where we end up. Hugggggggggz!

Happy Diwali sweety! Have loadsa fun with family n friends.

I might not be here when u get back. But I will be bakk soon too. So TC n MWAHHHHHHHH!


PRADEEP K. said...

All the best, and happy Deepavali!


visithra said...

hummm life teaches u a lot of things n the best lessons unfortunately comes from suffering

take care gal have a wonderful break and happy deepavali

Jeevan said...

Hope every thing will go well for u! HAPPY DIWALI dear Ammu, the greeting was beautiful. Enjoy my Friend:)

~*. D E E P A .* ~ said...

HAppy Deepavali to you too !

I know whatr u feel like .... esp when u look around and realise all ur friends are missing

Getting hitched is not the solution .. it might make things worse :(

Michelle said...

a very happy diwali ammu! :)

tulipspeaks said...

@ white forest

:) thats very true. had fun this Diwali?

@ south

i had great Diwali. Hows urs?


tulipspeaks said...

@ fleiger

:) i had enough rest and peace of mind. short but wonderful holiday.

@ known stranger
lolz. my first photo was half-naked. rofl.


tulipspeaks said...

@ satu

life has surprises in store for us.


thank u. i had fun. how abt u?

@ eclipsed thoughts

had fun. hope u enjoyed urs.


tulipspeaks said...

@ keshi

maatrem mattume nirantheram.


@ pradeep

man..whr r u?


tulipspeaks said...

@ visithra

best lessons unfortunately comes from suffering

i cant agree more.

@ jeevan

:) thanks. i had fun.


tulipspeaks said...

@ deepa

Getting hitched is not the solution .. it might make things worse :(

:( i still confused when comes to this matter.

btwn, i had fun. hows ur d'vali?

@ michelle

hugsss...welcome back!